I can remember finding out I was having twins and after the shock of the news subsided, I was just worried for you. Your brother Drey, baby A, was never a fear or concern for me. But you, I always just sensed that somethings were going to be hard for you, and that you would struggle, with your health, development and your emotions. For the short 31 weeks you were sharing a space inside me with your twin, I would try to sense your movements, or try figure out what I could do to make your entrance in the world smoother. I also feared that I wouldn't have "enough" for you, as between 2 older brothers I wouldn't be able to share myself with you long enough as you deserved and needed.
Then you were born 9 weeks early....and the room was silent when they pulled you out. You couldn't breathe. You didn't cry. You weren't even able to come meet eachother. Just pulled away from us so fast and any information about you was minimal, and my worst fears came a reality. There was no longer anything I could do to save you or help you, and officially I was pushed in between 2 incubators and just had to watch. I wasn't even able to hold you on the day you were born because your state was so fragile....Your little face was covered in tubes, medical tape and wires. I had no clue what you looked like except for the curly black monkey hair you had spiking all over the place. Even, your umbilical cord was cut off of you to put tubes of medication in and it was like I had failed in everything you needed in a mother.
When I finally held you, more fear set in. I think fear over took the love a mother is supposed to have for a baby because all I could think of was "what if this is the last time I hold you? I have to look at you and take every last 3lb 4oz of you in as possible." I would leave the NICU more an emotional mess than when I walked in. Hoping and praying you would make it through the night and that tomorrow we could have one more day. Hoping that I could have one more day to be your mama and make life right for your fragile little body. Nightmares about you passing away, waking myself up crying, calling the NICU at 3:14 AM just to make sure you were still with us and didn't give up. For the most part you were ok, but you'd forget to breathe and then you'd have Bradycardia attacks. These attacks would hold you back from graduating the NICU to come home and you weren't able to leave when your brother did. And that day was hell on earth.
It set a trend for our relationship. I know in reality that you needed to be 100% healthy to come home to the chaos of your new family. But I felt like I was leaving you behind and putting you on the back burner to take care of Jesiah and Drey. I still think that I abandoned you, and that I should of argued with the hospital to keep Drey with you and make them release you two together. I feel like we never got a chance to know each other because I was pulled in so many places at once, and I wish it wasn't like this.
Today, you are still sensitive as ever. You get nervous in crowds, you cant eat certain foods, you don't sleep well, you cry and scream for reasons I can understand and you like to play alone. No one can console you but me and some days its hard to have patience to keep up with how you feel because I cant understand. I know that in reality, you are who you are because this is the way God made you and it is meant to be this way. But there is a huge part of me that just thinks that if I was stronger for you in the very beginning, then you would be a much happier baby, and I'm sorry if I failed you while pregnant and if I keep failing you now. 16mos later and I am still terrified that this will be my last day with you. I freak out when you are showing signs of being sick, or if your twin does things you aren't close to achieving. I look at you while you sleep and I still get that "what if this is the last time I hold you? I have to look and take every last 3lb 4oz of you in as possible." oh so familiar feeling.
I love you so much Drew Drew. I think that someday we will get the time we need together and it wont always be like this. When you cry and are upset in the preemie way you can get, trust me, I want to just give ALL my time to you like I did for Jesiah and like I get to at times with Drey....I want to hold you all night and cuddle you when you are stressed. I want to sing Baby Mine to you. I never want you to feel like you are on the less loved then your brothers. You are my special little monkey butt with these beautiful big brown eyes and strength beyond your small time on this earth. Please keep being strong and forgive me for not being what you needed....and thank you for not giving up on me.
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