playplace

Today was the day....yup, that day that I hate. Cold wet weather, cabin fevered children and no where to go that is gonna cost me more than I am willing to spend. So what to do? Pack the kids in the car and drive... Just drive and keep on driving. Something will eventually catch our eye and we can just stop and play and wear the lil ones out....

And there it was. Colorful, big, shining thru the dark clouds of this nasty weather, singing to me saying Alleluia, like angels guiding me to everything I needed to calm the kids down...McDonalds Playplace. Sigh.

Now don't get me wrong, I think its disgusting, dirty, old and covered with H1N1. No doubt I never thought I'd be the mom who would find heaven there. But when you have a preschooler and 1 year old twins and living on a tight budget, suddenly McDonalds is the freaking spot to be. At first it was a little intimidating. You think that you need to wipe everything down with antibacterial wipes, and that you need to give the kids quick lectures on not being that "ghetto bay-bay" kid. You feel like everyone is watching you, and waiting for your kid to flip out and hit someone and cause a scene that will make you want to leave. But no, not so much. Once you get past that first intimidation, you look around and see all the parents are doing the exact same thing as I am. Just trying to get out and take a much needed break while their many kids are running, screaming, laughing and playing. No harm in that and actually a little comforting that we all are just trying to survive until naptime.

All the kids get along. They place together and encourage each other to go down the slide, or crawl thru the tunnel, or pretend to fly the fake plane. They just have a ball. And the best part about this new heaven I have found, ITS CONFINED! No worries about the kids getting out and running away. No fear about who is where and where the hell did they go? There is only one place they can be-inside! And when a meltdown occurs and I am usually ready to pull my hair out- I actually used the response "here you want a french fry" or "here babes, here is your chicken nugget" and all is well in the world. Please note, I don't think now or EVER that chicken nuggets and fries are the best source of nutrition or the best way to handle a meltdown, but come on, its okay every now and then.

Two hours past and before I knew it, it was naptime. Sweet beautiful precious QUIET naptime. Packed the kids in the car and headed home. All the kids fell asleep and we only spent 4 bucks. Cant beat that! So needless to say, thank you Ronald McDonald for your Playplace. You made our damn day.

dear drew

dear my youngest baby, Drew...

I can remember finding out I was having twins and after the shock of the news subsided, I was just worried for you. Your brother Drey, baby A, was never a fear or concern for me. But you, I always just sensed that somethings were going to be hard for you, and that you would struggle, with your health, development and your emotions. For the short 31 weeks you were sharing a space inside me with your twin, I would try to sense your movements, or try figure out what I could do to make your entrance in the world smoother. I also feared that I wouldn't have "enough" for you, as between 2 older brothers I wouldn't be able to share myself with you long enough as you deserved and needed.

Then you were born 9 weeks early....and the room was silent when they pulled you out. You couldn't breathe. You didn't cry. You weren't even able to come meet eachother. Just pulled away from us so fast and any information about you was minimal, and my worst fears came a reality. There was no longer anything I could do to save you or help you, and officially I was pushed in between 2 incubators and just had to watch. I wasn't even able to hold you on the day you were born because your state was so fragile....Your little face was covered in tubes, medical tape and wires. I had no clue what you looked like except for the curly black monkey hair you had spiking all over the place. Even, your umbilical cord was cut off of you to put tubes of medication in and it was like I had failed in everything you needed in a mother.

When I finally held you, more fear set in. I think fear over took the love a mother is supposed to have for a baby because all I could think of was "what if this is the last time I hold you? I have to look at you and take every last 3lb 4oz of you in as possible." I would leave the NICU more an emotional mess than when I walked in. Hoping and praying you would make it through the night and that tomorrow we could have one more day. Hoping that I could have one more day to be your mama and make life right for your fragile little body. Nightmares about you passing away, waking myself up crying, calling the NICU at 3:14 AM just to make sure you were still with us and didn't give up. For the most part you were ok, but you'd forget to breathe and then you'd have Bradycardia attacks. These attacks would hold you back from graduating the NICU to come home and you weren't able to leave when your brother did. And that day was hell on earth.

It set a trend for our relationship. I know in reality that you needed to be 100% healthy to come home to the chaos of your new family. But I felt like I was leaving you behind and putting you on the back burner to take care of Jesiah and Drey. I still think that I abandoned you, and that I should of argued with the hospital to keep Drey with you and make them release you two together. I feel like we never got a chance to know each other because I was pulled in so many places at once, and I wish it wasn't like this.

Today, you are still sensitive as ever. You get nervous in crowds, you cant eat certain foods, you don't sleep well, you cry and scream for reasons I can understand and you like to play alone. No one can console you but me and some days its hard to have patience to keep up with how you feel because I cant understand. I know that in reality, you are who you are because this is the way God made you and it is meant to be this way. But there is a huge part of me that just thinks that if I was stronger for you in the very beginning, then you would be a much happier baby, and I'm sorry if I failed you while pregnant and if I keep failing you now. 16mos later and I am still terrified that this will be my last day with you. I freak out when you are showing signs of being sick, or if your twin does things you aren't close to achieving. I look at you while you sleep and I still get that "what if this is the last time I hold you? I have to look and take every last 3lb 4oz of you in as possible." oh so familiar feeling.

I love you so much Drew Drew. I think that someday we will get the time we need together and it wont always be like this. When you cry and are upset in the preemie way you can get, trust me, I want to just give ALL my time to you like I did for Jesiah and like I get to at times with Drey....I want to hold you all night and cuddle you when you are stressed. I want to sing Baby Mine to you. I never want you to feel like you are on the less loved then your brothers. You are my special little monkey butt with these beautiful big brown eyes and strength beyond your small time on this earth. Please keep being strong and forgive me for not being what you needed....and thank you for not giving up on me.

it allllllll changes...

I find it interesting when people who have no children tell me that they are "sooooooo tired". I find it even more interesting when people who have no children, offer to watch your kids and tell you how important date night is, and when you call in your favor to actually have a much needed date night with the Husband, they suddenly have to "call you back" and/or never respond to text messages or answer the phone.....

Today was awesome. We bought a Christmas tree, we did some shopping, the boys had an awesome nap time and to top it all off - My Husband finally got hired for a well paying job after being laid off for nine months. Yes, NINE long stressful months. We have budgeted our asses off to survive, given up every possible amenity that would entertain us, forgot all about date nights and sacrificed almost everything to have enough money to keep our kids bellies full and keep them warm at night. I think that after a very stressful time, we deserve a night to just enjoy and celebrate the fact that everything just might be ok...right? I think so....

Why people, why? Why do you like to do this to us parents? Here is what I think:

#1- you guys like how it feels....

It feels good to hear someone say that they want to help and its a wonderful feeling to see that you put a smile on someone by saying those magical words. Its like the Big Corporate Office saying to the protesters outside the office "yes we will give you all fat raises, full benefits and an awesome retirement plan-just get back to work", and surely enough it never happens. Just False hope.

#2- you guys are scared shitless of what life with children is actually like...

no one likes to stay at home every day. no one likes to be home every single friday or saturday night. everyone wants some type of social life and feel like they are connected to "The Scene". Life as a parent is a reminder to you that its total isolation some days, and life as you selfishly know it officially D-E-A-D! I scare you.

#3-pure selfishness...

It's not your fault your selfish, seriously. You are totally ignorant to being a parent. You sleep in whenever you want, you eat dinner at 8:30 pm, enjoy fancy dates with your significant other on your weekly "date night" and buy anything your little heart desires without having to consider what it is doing to your bank account. I aint mad at ya. I used to be you. Your life belongs to you and that is great....but your selfish and wont understand it until you pop out a baby or two.

Here's my thing. I know that I chose to have babies, and would never change it. But don't lead us parents if you never plan on following thru. It's just bad form....and until you have babies a word of advice- Enjoy your selfishness, cause after the children come- IT ALLLLLLLLL CHANGES.

oh well, maybe we can celebrate some other time.....(oh yea, that will be your motto as well)

luck vs. fortune

I don' t think of myself as lucky. I feel that I have gotten the shit end of the stick a lot of times and have just taken it as it comes. Actually, I've taken it with my pants down, bent over, raw as fuck to be honest.

Wait. Scratch that. I am kinda lucky. I got lucky in love and family. Can't deny that. EVER.

Start over. I don't think of myself as fortunate. I feel incredibly unfortunate a lot of days. I think that Husband and I have been let down and have had some very serious unfortunate situations. Money is almost gone, no job leads, 3 babies and no stable income, economy is failing us, family support is off and so on. It's been very draining and I am tired of feeling pity on our situation. So, with that being said I have decided that days like this, where I say "yea, thats my luck" regarding whatever is happening at that moment, that I will try to merge Lady Luck and The Fortune of the Universe....in doing that- I will play the lotto. I will buy a $1 quick pick and try my Luck of Life out and maybe Fortune will follow. Maybe I am setting myself up for another let down, but every time I buy a ticket, I will remember that $ doesnt equal happiness. Love does.

I can think of one friend in particular. She and her bf are rolling in dough. BiG BuCkS. They have live this lavish ass life. They take random vacas everywhere, get great seats to shows, buy LV purses, wallets, shoes like crazy, shopping sprees, lots of high ranking cars, etc....Its actually annoying and at times I find myself green with envy. But when I talk to her, she is miserable. Horribly miserable. And when I ask her why she doesnt leave and move on, she says because she likes the lifestyle and cant afford the rent on her own. ummm, no thanks. I rather live my life counting every last penny, squeezing out every last drop of toothpaste, bargin shopping at the hospice, wearing hand me downs from the sissypoo, loving the hell out of my husband, smothering my kids to death, being there for them like crazy and feeling blessed with the simpleness of life.

Whoever said "Go Big or Go Home" obviously was masking his/her unhappiness in labels and reputation.

Today- I know the difference between Luck and Fortune....and again, I AM LUCKY.

gotta start somewhere....

Ok, this is my first blog, ever. I just want a place to express my life on a daily basis. Married with a 3 year old and 1 year old twins at 28 can be overwhelming. My happiness, my stress, my success, my failure, hopes, let downs and dreams of all kinds surround me everyday....I dont know what to expect in this but I gotta start somewhere....